" NARCISSISM"

When the mirror becomes more important than the people standing beside it.

A person can appear generous, compassionate and deeply connected while carefully controlling the image others are allowed to see. In the age of curated profiles and public performances, the version of someone presented to the world can become so polished that it begins to matter more than the person behind it—and more than the people standing beside them.

This does not mean that every carefully chosen photograph, confident statement or desire for admiration is narcissistic. We all shape how we are seen. The deeper concern begins when appearance becomes more important than accountability, admiration more important than affection, and attention more important than genuine connection.

Through conversations with friends, colleagues and people around me, I have noticed recurring patterns in how some individuals relate to others. These observations are not diagnoses, nor are they based on one person or experience. They come from listening to people describe their relationships, watching situations unfold and recognising similar emotional patterns repeatedly.

The central question is not simply, “How does this person appear?” It is: “Does the life behind the image reflect the values the image claims to represent?”

That question leads us to narcissism—not as a label to apply carelessly, but as a way of examining what happens when the need to be admired begins to outweigh the ability to listen, empathise and take responsibility.

The charm that draws people in...

Some individuals possess a remarkable ability to attract attention. They may be articulate, confident, generous with compliments and seemingly interested in everyone around them. Their presence can be magnetic, and their words can make others feel unusually important.

Yet charm, by itself, tells us very little about a person’s character.

The more revealing questions arise over time. Can they listen without turning every conversation towards themselves? Can they celebrate another person’s success without feeling diminished? Can they accept disagreement without treating it as disrespect? And can they acknowledge the pain they have caused without immediately finding someone else to blame?

Character is not measured by how beautifully someone presents themselves when admiration is available. It becomes clearer in moments when they are challenged, corrected or asked to consider another person’s feelings.

The real measure of a person is not how many people admire them, but how they treat people who have nothing to offer their ego.

When admiration becomes a need,

Narcissistic traits may include an excessive need for admiration, a sense of entitlement, difficulty recognising other people’s feelings, and a persistent need to protect an inflated or fragile self-image. Some people may initially idealise those around them, only to become dismissive or critical when those relationships no longer provide the validation they seek.

Disagreement may be experienced as an attack. Feedback may be met with anger, denial or blame. Instead of examining their own contribution to a conflict, they may redirect the conversation until the other person begins questioning their own memory, judgement or intentions.

These patterns can leave people emotionally exhausted. They may find themselves explaining what they meant, apologising for what they did not do, or working harder and harder to restore a peace that never seems to last.

But it is important to be fair. Not every self-centred act is narcissism. Not every difficult relationship involves manipulation, and not everyone who seeks attention has a personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis that requires professional assessment; it cannot be established through social-media posts, isolated incidents or second-hand accounts.

What matters in everyday life is to recognise persistent behaviour, understand its impact and respond with clarity rather than rushing to label someone.

The virtual self and the real person

Our online lives allow us to select what the world sees. We can choose the photographs, the words, the achievements and the causes we display. We can create an identity that appears compassionate, successful, wise or universally admired.

There is nothing inherently wrong with presenting our best selves. The difficulty arises when the carefully curated image becomes a substitute for genuine character.

A public expression of kindness does not automatically establish kindness in private. Words about respect do not replace respectful behaviour. A profile filled with affection cannot, by itself, tell us how someone responds when another person is vulnerable, inconvenient or in disagreement with them.

Equally, we must not assume that an active online presence or a polished virtual identity makes someone narcissistic. The digital world is only one part of a person’s life, not a complete psychological portrait.

The question is not whether the image is beautiful. It is whether the life behind it reflects the values the image claims to represent.

A mirror can show us the face we wish the world to admire. It cannot, on its own, reveal the character we carry into our relationships.

The patterns I have observed...

In listening to people and observing the ways relationships unfold, I have become increasingly interested in certain recurring patterns: conversations that repeatedly return to one person’s achievements, a visible discomfort when someone else receives recognition, difficulty accepting responsibility, and a tendency to interpret boundaries as rejection.

I have also noticed how easily people can become caught between what they see and what they experience. Someone may appear considerate in public yet be dismissive in private. Someone may speak eloquently about empathy but struggle to offer it when another person’s needs compete with their own.

These observations are not proof of a diagnosis, nor are they intended to describe every person who behaves this way. They are reminders to look beyond appearances and pay attention to consistency.

We do not need to know the precise label for a behaviour before we are allowed to acknowledge its effect on us. We can recognise repeated disrespect without becoming cruel. We can question an unhealthy dynamic without claiming to understand another person’s entire personality.

And we can choose distance when a relationship repeatedly undermines our dignity, even when we cannot explain every aspect of the other person’s behaviour.

Why does this matter to us?

I believe this subject matters because many people do not recognise the emotional cost of an unhealthy relationship until they have begun to lose confidence in themselves.

Understanding narcissistic traits can help us distinguish healthy self-esteem from a persistent need to dominate, confidence from entitlement, and an occasional mistake from a repeated refusal to accept responsibility.

It can help us recognise when guilt is being used to override a reasonable boundary, when every disagreement becomes a trial of our character, or when we are investing all our energy in earning approval that is never enough.

It also invites a quieter form of self-examination. Do we listen as much as we speak? Can we apologise without defending ourselves? Can we tolerate criticism without retaliating? Can we appreciate another person’s success without comparing it to our own?

Awareness should never become a weapon for labelling everyone who disappoints us. It should become a tool for better judgement, healthier boundaries and more honest relationships.

We can show compassion without accepting mistreatment. We can try to understand another person’s struggles without making ourselves responsible for changing them. And we can step away from harmful patterns without surrendering our humanity.

Beyond the mirror

I am writing about narcissism not to expose an individual, settle a personal score or encourage readers to diagnose people around them. I am writing because understanding human behaviour can help us protect our emotional well-being, recognise unhealthy patterns and build relationships rooted in mutual respect.

Perhaps the most important lesson is that self-awareness must begin with ourselves. It is easy to examine another person’s reflection; it takes greater courage to look honestly into our own.

We all have an image of ourselves that we wish others to see. The challenge is to ensure that this image never becomes more important than our integrity, our capacity for empathy or the feelings of those who share our lives.

After all, a relationship should not require one person to disappear so that the other can remain the centre of attention.

My purpose is not to teach people how to identify a narcissist in every room. It is to help them recognise when a relationship is costing them their peace, dignity and sense of self.

Understand the behaviour. Protect your peace. Question appearances, but do not abandon fairness. And remember that boundaries are not a failure of compassion; sometimes, they are the most honest expression of self-respect.

Because the moment we stop living inside someone else’s mirror, we begin seeing ourselves in our own light .

Dr. Kalpana Kandaswamy

16/10/2026